Dilandau under by Draqonelle and The Lauderdale
by Draqonelle
Summary: Dilandau under the influence of....


Dilandau Under 

Dilandau Under   
By [][1]Draquonelle and The Lauderdale   
Rated PG-13: Deals with drugs, and certain sexual positions *evil grin*   
("Drugs are bad, um-kay?")   
*****************   


This is Draquonelle's RL friend Lauderdale, posting a horrible piece   
of drivel we wrote together. It was born from an unfortunate   
discussion we had recently about having your wisdom teeth pulled, and   
what horrible things you might say under the influence of   
painkillers. 

Draquonelle: And don't forget the caffeine, Lauderdale! 

The conversation worked around to what Dilandau might say if he was   
put under. So here goes.   


Dilandau Under   


The generals of Zaibach had called an emergency congress to discuss   
the most recent problem with Dilandau. General Zodia pounded his   
fist on the table. "I've had enough of this. Dilandau is out of   
control! He must be stopped! He had one of his men hack into the   
system and play nothing but "Teletubbies" over every view screen in   
my ship." 

"Well, at least he didn't kill your Tomagachi," said General   
Adolphus, pointing his finger at Zodia. Then he collapsed to his   
knees. "Poor, poor Tomagachi...." 

Strategos of Zaibach, Folken de Fanel, Traitor of Fanelia, sat with a   
bemused look of bemusement on his face. The General of the Iron   
Force looked at him accusingly. "In fact, your ship is the only one   
he hasn't painted pink and red. I mean, pink and red! That's just   
wrong." He shivered. "How do you control him?" 

"Simple," Folken said. "I let him destroy my homeland in a fiery   
blaze and develop a pseudo-sexual violent obsession with my brother.   
That keeps him too preoccupied to mess with my stuff." 

"Poor poor Tomagachi," Adolphus continued to whimper. 

The others ignored him. "By Harry, I've had enough! It's time to   
take measures into our own hands. But how! We should ask for advice   
from the Emperor." 

"That guy? Man, he's always talking about mystical destiny. I'm   
starting to think he doesn't know what he's talking about. And he's   
always calling Van Fanel the "Draagonnn."" The general fluttered his   
fingers exaggeratedly in a creepy way. 

"And he always sounds like he's stoned," agreed Zodia. 

Suddenly they gasped. "Hey! Stoned! That's it!" All of the   
generals started talking at once. 

Adolphus stood up. "Yes! We will use the techniques of modern   
sorcery to control his erratic and cute behavior. That way we will   
have a perfect killing machine in our war for the rebirth of Gaea."   
Everyone nodded. 

"Uh hum, but, um...drugs is bad, um-kay...." said Folken. He shook   
his head rapidly. "I mean—" he coughed. "We have no idea what   
effect drugs will have on his system. It could shatter his already   
fragile soul and set him into depths of depravity unknown even to us!" 

They looked at him blankly. Then Zodia shouted, "All in favor of   
morphine, raise your hands!" 

Folken did along with the rest of them, looking surprised at   
himself. "That was unintentional! Stupid mechanical voting   
glitch...." He poked at the mechanisms in his arm. 

"And all in favor of letting Folken take the fall if he goes nuts,   
say Aye!" 

"Aye!" 

"Aw nutbunnies," muttered Folken.   


It took a lot of effort to actually tie Dilandau down. He was live,   
cunning and brutal. So it took the promise of ice cream to get him   
into the infirmary. He looked at a tongue depressor   
forlornly. "Hey, someone ate it all!" 

Folken picked shards of broken glass out of his hair as the drug was   
administered to the psychotic devil boy. "Now count backwards from a   
hundred." 

"99... 98... this is silly... 96... 96....96.... 69." The Dragon   
Slayer began sniggering. "69. 10... 9... 8 -4 3 2 1. 69." 

Folken stared. "69?" 

"You know what 69 means?" Dilandau asked. He shook his wrist and   
poked his inner cheek with his tongue, like any stupid 15 year old   
pretending to give oral sex. "69, is 96..." 

"Oh dear." 

"Have you ever 69 somebody, Volgum?" 

The cat twins, who were as usual in attendance on Folken, looked at   
their lord. 

"How is that any of your business, Dilandau?" asked Folken, kind of   
scared. 

"Okay okay. Forget it. Man you know who I'd like to see?" 

"Oh god." 

"I would like to see your brother. I want to see your brother   
without his clothes on." 

"What?" Folken face-faulted. That's triple alliteration. 

"Van..... VaaaaaAAAAHHHnn. Yeah. I want to see his body. I wanna   
see his guts." 

"Dilandau," Folken began. 

"Van is-Van is hot. I wanna..." 

"Dilandau, you can't..." 

"What he's not? He's got feathers and he is soooo hot." Dilandau   
took off his frock coat. "It's hot. I'm hot when I think about   
Van. I wanna kiss his head. I want his heart." 

Folken winced. 

"I wanna look at his heart. I betit's really really big. Big big   
heart. You know what FVolgum." 

Folken re-buttoned Dilandau's frock-coat. 

"I think your brother is sexy. I wanna see his body. I wanna see   
his organs. I wan his wanna his blood. Cause he will have sexy   
blood." 

"Sexy... Oh my god. Dilandau, keep that buttoned!" 

"I want to get his sexy blood," Dilandau said. "Seck-see blooood."   
Dilandau fell off of the examining table and laughed. "If you can   
have lucky blood why can't you trade sexy blood. And I'll get all   
the sexy blood in the world." 

"Yes." Folken nodded, humoring him. 

"And Van has it." 

"Yes." Folken cleared his throat. "My brother has all the sexy   
blood." 

"Sexy Blood, Sexy Blood! Sexy Blood!" 

Folken looked at the cat twins' reaction as Dilandau walked on the   
table and sang an extemporaneous tune about Van Fanel's Sexy Blood.   
Which almost culminated in a rather tasteless strip tease. 

"No no. No... oooooh. Fvolgun psss. Hey come here." 

"Yes, Dilandau." 

"Oh I forgot. That they have sexy cat blood. Cat Blood." 

Eriya and Narya were all too aware that Dilandau was talking about   
them. They looked balefully at the inebriated bishounen. 

"Hmm. How we going to get the cat blood?" Dilandau scratched his   
head. 

Folken pointed at the girls and indicated Dilandau's mental state. 

Dilandau clapped his hands. "I got it. Folken. You get a piano.   
And I'll cover myself in catnip." 

"Oh, catnip." Folken nodded. 

"Yeah No. Listen I get covered in catnip and when they come You drop   
the pye yano on their heads." 

"Perhaps we shouldn't kill the twins—they are..." 

"See I get all the sexy blood. And I put the cat blood in the cat   
jar. And it will have a little kitty on it. And I'll put the sexy   
blood in the Van Jar..." 

"Of course. Because he has all of the sexy blood," Folken said. He   
was beginning to follow Dilandau's reasoning, which scared him more   
than anything had ever scared him before in his life. 

"Yeah. Fvolgen. Then after Fvolgun drops the pye yano. I'll get the   
Fvolgum blood." 

"Um, Dilandau-san, I can hear you." Folken waved at him. 

"But where are you gonna put the Fvolgum blood." 

"Um, Dilandau. I'm right...." 

"We can't put it with the sexy blood. No. He's not sexy." 

Folken whimpered. "I'm not sexy?" 

Dilandau realized he was being heard. "Uh oh." He covered his mouth. 

"Okay, but what do you mean I'm not sexy?" Folken persisted. 

"Oh no no no no. fVulgum. You are man. You are... it's just. I have   
to keep the Van sexy blood in the Van sexy blood jar and the cat   
blood... 

"In the cat blood jar." 

"And see the Folken blood goes in a bottle. It's a pretty bottle.   
For pretty pretty Folken. Because Folken is pretty. And you know   
how I'm going to tell it apart from the others." 

"You think I'm pretty?" Folken decided he was flattered. 

"I'm going to put it on the top of the thing... and I'm gonna paint a   
tear drop on it."   


Ryuugekitai (the cool name for the Dragon Slayers that I stole from   
The Scar) came out of the showers, ready to go to sleep. When, just   
then, into the locker room came Dilandau in full armor. The Dragon   
Slayers panicked and tried to throw on their towels. 

"Dragon Slayers! Attention." 

The Dragon Slayers hesitated for a second. If they dropped their   
towels.... 

"I thought I told you to go into attention." 

The Dragon Slayers paused and then gulped and went into attention.   
The towels came a-tumblin' down. 

Dilandau laughed hysterically. 

Eriya passed out from lust. Folken was about to enter the room, but   
Narya spun him around and covered his eyes. "Hey, I can't see   
anything," Folken said. 

"Okay everybody. Get dressed in five minutes." 

"Oh, that was mature." Narya clawed at Dilandau. "Nice prank." 

"What happened?" asked Folken plaintively. 

"He gave them a laxative—now forget about it, Folken-sama, you're   
mine!" She put him in a headlock. 

*** 

In the Dragon Slayers meeting area, they assembled very nervously. 

"Hi Guys. I feel really great." 

Folken ran behind Dilandau, trying to stop him from talking to his   
troops in this state. Eriya and Narya were only too glad to join him. 

"I'm just here talkin' to my Dragon slayers. Chesta getup here.   
You..." Dilandau glowered as menacingly as he could in this   
state. "I'm gonna smack you." 

Chesta crept up out of the line. He trembled. He closed his eyes and   
winced. 

Dilandau threw his arms around Chesta and kissed him on the nostril   
and fell over laughing. "I smacked ya. Smack." He smacked his   
lips. 

Guimel trembled with surprised laughter. 

"Oh oh. Guimel come here. Yeah... Guimel. You want to be   
smacked?" Dilandau puckered his lips. 

Guimel squinched his face and puckered out his lips, trembling.   
Dilandau backhanded him. "See you thought I was gonna kiss you." He   
grabbed Miguel. "Kiss you." He smooshed Miguel's face between his   
hands and pinched his cheeks. "See my men are the best. You guys   
the best. That's what you are...." 

Miguel smiled kawai and stuck his tongue at the other Ryuugekitai. 

"See Miguel would never ever tell anybody what we do. He would never   
told a soul about that time when we were in the kitchen-" 

"Dilandau!" Miguel shrieked. 

"Cause he is a smar guy. He knows stuff. And he knows if anyone   
ever found out about that time I drank that sherry out of his navel.   
He knows I would kill him." 

"Dilandau, stop talking, I don't want to die!" Miguel tried to cover   
Dilandau's mouth. 

Ronal looked angry. "You cannot be serious. Chicken-legged   
kidnapped boy." 

"Kidnapped Boy?" exclaimed Miguel. 

"Dilandau is mine BIOTCH!" Ronal clawed at Miguel's face. 

The cat twins sat on the steps. "Whoa, kinky. Human Fight!" Narya   
whistled. 

"But Dilandau only cares about me," Viole said. "He said my name is   
so pretty." 

Gatti spoke up, "But why wouldn't Dilandau like me? He bitches me   
around more than you." 

"No way, I am way more Uke than you! And I'm the only one shorter   
than him," Chesta piped and jumped on Gatti's back and tried to   
strangle him. 

Guimel and Dallet were in a gratuitous hair-pulling eye-gouging   
sequence, like in a "bad women in prison" movie. Even the oblivious   
Folken-sama was getting a nosebleed as clothing was spontaneously   
thrown into hammerspace. (Well, at least the shirts....) 

The cat twins are running out of popcorn and whip cream, watching all   
the hot bishounen (shirtless) cat-fight and call each other names,   
like "cock tease," "ho bag," "hoochie" and "mattress back." (Lucky   
kitties...cats get all the fun....) 

Dilandau used Guimel as a soapbox and spread his arms to make an   
announcement. "Stop fighting you guys." 

And to the author's dismay, all the Dragon Slayers stopped fighting   
and looked at Dilandau. 

"Cause you think I'm big and scary, but I'm not. I am a very   
sensitive human bean. I have levels. I don't like t'be mean and   
cranky. I am a nice guy." He jumped off of Guimel's head. "I'm a   
real sensitive human bean. I have a very strong... strong febinine,   
side." 

Folken stared. 

Jajuka burst into the room, dressed in his dark green bathrobe. "Oh   
for chrissakes. Dilandau, noooooo!" 

"I have a very strong feminine febibum side. It's like I have a   
woman inside of me." 

Folken bit his finger, to prevent from sinking into the ground with   
embarrassment. Eriya and Narya were laughing histerically. 

"I have a beautiful woman inside of me just trying to get out." 

Jajuka headed towards Dilandau and tried to cover his mouth. "No   
no. Not yet. You can't-" 

Folken and the Dragon Slayers stared at Jajuka. "Jajuka, what are   
you doing here?" 

Jajuka straightened his robe. "I heard Dilandau was in trouble so I   
rushed over here. I didn't even have time to dress or get a Milkbone   
or anything." 

Dilandau was now talking to Narya. "So I'll get the Van sexy blood,   
and the kitty blood and then the Folken pretty blood. In the bottle." 

"You will not hurt Folken." Narya said, taking out her honka-big   
blaster. 

"Why don't you just go get the woman inside of you to go and seduce   
Folken?" Eriya laughed. 

"No. No one can have Folken." Narya pointed the blaster at her   
sister. 

Eriya was startled. She chibified and started waving her hands   
frantically. "I was just kidding, take a chill pill!" 

"Sorry, I had too much catnip."   
  
Dilandau whimpered. "But I need his pretty blood." 

Jajuka yanked Dilandau away from Narya. "Jajuka. I Jajuka." The   
boy glomped onto his friend. "Who's my puppy puppy Jajuka? You can   
help me get the blood." 

"The blood?" 

"The Van Sexy blood, and the kitty blood and the Folken pretty blood." 

Jajuka crossed his eyes. "I have a college degree. I could be   
working in real estate. Instead I decide I want to take care of   
this...Come on, Dilandau, lets—" 

Dilandau hugged him. "I wanna get a pink ribbon." 

"And strangle me?" Jajuka asked. He could only hope it wasn't what   
he thought it was. 

"No I wanna tie it around your neck and..." 

"Oh please say you want to kill me..." 

"I wanna braid your hair." 

Folken passed out from a brain hemorage into Narya's lap. She looked   
furtively and hiked Folken over her shoulder. 

"Hey. Bring him back!" exclaimed Eriya. 

Jajuka sat down. 

So Jajuka let Dilandau braid his hair for a half an hour. Narya did   
not get her claws into Folken. She was stopped by the author who got   
the cat to settle for a tasteful kiss on the cheek as she put him to   
bed, then beating the crap outta Eriya for threatening to sell Folken   
to Dilandau. 

Eriya, after getting a black eye, did manage to get back just after   
Jajuka got braided by Dilandau-sama. She never realized a canine   
could look that kawaii with dreadlocks but that's another story. So   
the moral of the story is: Being a cat is way cool by me, even if you   
are all insane and angsty and an oppressed minority in Zaibach. And,   
mmhmm, drugs is bad, um-kay? 

   [1]: mailto:draquonelle@hotmail.com



End file.
